no.

02 Jun

No.

I never quite mastered that one syllable word.

One syllable.

Why is it so hard?

I can say things like “ameliorate,” and “cacophony.” I can write poems and plays and short stories. I can digest literature in various forms from various time periods and from a multitude of cultures and perspectives.

Commanding words is my life. It is how I move from page to page of this existence.

Yet one word sticks in my throat like peanut butter on a hot day.

Why?

Because I have yet to conquer that one lingering fear, that one monster in my closet, that one wild beast living under my bed. My boogie man is rejection. Or at least, what I perceive as rejection.

In my mind, if I give a person everything they want, everything they ask me for, then they won’t have a reason to leave. They won’t have a reason to not be with me. They won’t have a reason to choose someone or something or some place else.

Crazy, right?

I know it is, however I am sane enough to know that I am not the only person who struggles with this concept in some form or another. Which is why I’ve chosen to write openly about this issue.

Why is it so hard to come to understand that our loved ones are not possessions? Love itself cannot be contained, forced, or manipulated. It will shift and change and flow as it wishes.

No matter how much “yes” we give, this will not stop the natural, everyday flow of change and growth and learning that helps mold us as individuals. These natural catalysts within our lives are the very things that cause us to move and shift from relationship to relationship. This isn’t a bad thing, this is in fact a very good thing. New relationships, very often, will bring new experiences, new lessons to learn, and hopefully new opportunities for introspection.

Yet, even in knowing this, it is too easy to view a partner’s decision to move on to another person or place or challenge as a personal failure to fulfill.

I don’t know about for you, but for me, this perspective, albeit flawed, fuels my inability to set proper boundaries — my inability to look my partner in the eye and say, “No, I’m not really in the mood for sex right now,” or “No, I don’t really want to go out tonight,” or “No, I’d much rather do this instead.”

Furthermore, my fear of rejection fuels my extreme desire to not just fix my partners’ problems, but to completely takeover and own them.

Why?

My life is riddled with problems, unanswered questions, unresolved issues. Why in sam-hell would I shoulder someone else’s?

Because it means I love them, that’s why.

Solving someone else’s problems, giving them everything they want or need, making myself their solution means they won’t ever feel the need to be with someone else, right?

Wrong.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

And yet, no matter how many books I read, no matter how conscious I am of the problem, no matter how often I write about it — I often find myself right back in square one, committing the same, old mistakes.

*lighting a cigarette*

You know what I mean?

2 Comments

  1. [...] jealousy has always been my weak spot. Ever since I was a teen, I’ve always allowed all those deep, dark fears to warp themselves into a solid rock of [...]

    The Lions' Historian
  2. [...] I sucked at this. Reference my most recent piece on exactly this issue. [...]

    The Lions' Historian

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